A Good Night, A BAD Morning.

We were finally celebrating Ryan's birthday with his mom and step-dad.  We went out to dinner to El Gaucho and because my mom was there as well, we decided what better time to start sharing our news.  The waiter asked how many glasses to pour for the wine and when I stated, "Just water for me," I immediately felt my mom's eyes burning with wonder on why I would turn down a glass of wine (that just is not typical me).  Ryan then (thankfully) decided to share the news and to celebrate the waiters brought me out a glass of their finest sparkling cider.  My mom started to cry.  We ate an amazing and highly memorable meal.

We also shared the news with my sister that night.  We sent her the following picture:

Unfortunately, this did not go over so smoothly because my sister received the picture directly before going on stage to sing for 500+ people.  Talk about bad timing.  My sister would like to point out that she already knew I was pregnant.  She was still elated.

We planned to call Ryan's dad, stepmom, and sister, etc. the following morning.  It was so fun to finally be able to tell people!

The next morning I got up extra early to help cook something for my friend's baby shower.  I was actually planning on going to two baby showers back to back.  Tis the season.

I started my cooking and felt a strong urge to use the restroom.  When I looked down the whole toilet bowl was filled with bright red blood.  I think my heart stopped.  I went into crisis/panic mode.  I woke up Ryan and we headed to the ER.  I was scared I already miscarried.  I cried all of the way to the hospital while simultaneously using my iPhone to continuously update the amount of minutes it would take until we were there.

They checked me in and admitted me immediately.  They took a urine sample, a blood sample (I found out I have rh+ blood, apparently a good thing), and did a pelvic exam.  The doctor said my uterus felt normal--like I was 8 weeks pregnant.  My cervix was closed, also a good sign.  I was then wheeled into the ultrasound room.  They did a regular ultrasound first and the tech warned us we might not be able to see anything.  But immediately our little nugget popped up on the screen.  S/he was moving all around, had a healthy sized yolk sac, and a strong beating heart.  When s/he moved the heart rate was 150 beats per minute.  When s/he sat still it would drop to 120 beats per minute.  S/he liked to stay nestled right along my uterine wall--kind of camera shy.  It was SO cool.  The best part of the morning by far.  The tech then did a transvaginal ultrasound as well.

When I was wheeled back into my room the doctor followed us in shortly after to share the results.  I was diagnosed with a subchorionic hemorrhage.  Basically, she explained that I have a blood blister along my uterine wall.  She said that it is small and not currently harming the baby, but it could grow and cause the placenta to detach from the uterine wall completely, which would cause miscarriage.  She shared that there is nothing they can really do--it's just a waiting game.  If it doesn't get bigger it could heal and go away and I could have a normal pregnancy.  She suggested I stay off my feet as much as possible.  I am not allowed to exercise, lift anything, or have sex.  Lots of lying down and thinking positive.  I was then discharged from the hospital.

Staying positive is really hard for me.  Not exercising is hard for me.  Looking at our cute picture of the baby helps.  Cuddling our sweet puppy helps.  Eating ice cream helps.  Watching trashy tv helps.  This will be the reality of my life until further notice and I'm not going to judge myself if it is helping our baby survive.

                                                     The first picture of our little bean.

My job does not work for a pregnant woman.

I love my job.  I get to help people.  I work with SUPER cool people.  I get to create my own schedule.  I can work from home.  What's not to love?  The bathroom issue.  And unfortunately, this is a big deal for a preggo woman.

I work as a Child and Family Therapist and even though I am fortunate enough to have an office, I often see my clients in their homes, at their school, or elsewhere in the community.  What I did not anticipate was how difficult being pregnant and working this job would be because I have to pee constantly.  I am talking multiple times within the same hour.  I think part of the problem is that I have started having an unquenchable thirst so I am also drinking water like a camel.  But when you are scheduled to meet with a client for one to two hours, how embarrassing is it to be like, "sorry to interrupt but I have to use the facilities."  "Ummm again, gotta go to the restroom..."  Also, it's not like I can say, "Yeah, my uterus is enlarging and pushing on my bladder, sorry about this" because we are not telling people we are pregnant yet.  Instead, it's "yeah, I should not drink so much coffee!" (ps. I don't drink coffee).

Also, before pregnancy I would NEVER use my client's bathrooms.  I think it's sometimes awkward enough being in their homes and something about using their restroom does not sound particularly appealing.  I still try to avoid this and because of this problem I have become BFFs with every gas station/fred meyers/starbucks bathroom in the greater Portland Metro Area.

Completely unrelated to this issue, I am getting a new job.  I accepted a position as the Clinical Director for a non-profit similar to where I have been working.  In no way is this related to my bathroom issue but it will make life a little easier for the next 7 months.  I have three more weeks at my old job.  Read: three more weeks of "how long can I really hold it" thoughts/sweats/panics.  I will miss my old job a lot (especially the schedule and all of my co-workers) but this was an opportunity too exciting to pass up!

Week 7

This week all of the more classic pregnancy symptoms hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was so tired one Saturday that I barely made it out of bed the entire day.  Sleep has never sounded so sweet.  Also, I got a little of the morning sickness.  It wasn't terrible.  I never ran to the bathroom to vomit.  But I definitely did not feel good.  Along with the morning sickness came some pretty strong food aversions.  I cannot pinpoint any one food in particular, but all of a sudden, just the thought of certain foods would make my stomach turn.  For example, Daddy R and I just went to Trader Joe's to buy some healthy pregnancy snacks. And almost everything I bought--especially the wasabi almonds--make me want to hurl.  When I told Daddy R that I needed all new snacks he looked at me like I had gone completely insane.

On the other hand, some foods sound absolutely amazing.  Again, I cannot pinpoint any one food.  Instead, I am having STRONG cravings for elaborate meals.  For example, I do not want just a piece of quiche or some macaroni and cheese.  No, that will simply not cut it.  I want an appetizer, a main course, lots of perfectly suited side dishes, and dessert.  Man, this baby must has some seriously high standards already.

The strangest thing I ate this week:  a raw tomato with balsamic vinegar, salt, pepper, and chocolate truffles.  Yes, tomato and chocolate=classic pregnant woman.  Thankfully, the horrible cramps are continuing to lessen.  We have also been thinking about nursery themes and we are continuing to work on the never ending task of better organizing our house before baby comes.

Here I am this week.  Still not obviously showing, just looking kind of fat.  You can't really tell because I  am wearing a baggy outfit and was too tired to change the outfit.

Week 6

It seems like the cramps might be lessening in severity but not frequency.  They feel just like menstrual cramps now, which apparently is somewhat normal.  I personally think this is a bit ironic because you would think one of the saving graces of this whole pregnancy thing is not having to deal with the period feelings--little did I know that I might be dealing with the period symptoms for 9 months straight!  Fabulous.

Daddy R and I have started getting our house ready for Baby B.  Cleaning out the future nursery is quite the job.  We have taken car fulls of stuff to Goodwill and have made several trips to Ikea to get better storage systems.  We have also started talking about how we want the nursery to look.  Daddy R thinks a large death star rug would be lovely.  I disagree whole-heartedly.

It's getting harder and harder to lie to people and tell them nothing is cooking in my tummy.  Why does everyone constantly assume I am pregnant?  I can't wait until our first doctor appointment.

I am not having any new symptoms.  No tiredness (which surprises me) and no morning sickness.  I also do not think I have a baby bump anymore.  I have read that my bump is more due to baby bloat.  In the morning I wake up and my tummy is almost flat.  By the time I go to bed I look 3 months pregnant.

Here I am, baby bloat and all it's glory:

Cramps

I am thankful for a lot of things so far in my brief 5.5 weeks of pregnancy.  For example, I am not having much morning sickness.  Occasionally, I feel dizzy or a slight wave of I-could-throw-up-right-now but it passes quickly.  I have also been attempting to control the possibility of having morning sickness by never letting my stomach get empty.  I already have hypoglycemia so it pretty much requires the same type of food intake.

The second thing I am thankful about is that I feel completely energized!  I am getting to work out regularly and Daddy R is actually taking more naps than I am.  So much for dealing with pregnancy fatigue.  I have also had no food aversions, cravings, acne, or metal mouth.

Even with these good things going on, I could do without the cramps.  I have read that some cramping is perfectly normal and nothing to worry about.  It could be caused by the uterus stretching or the swelling of the ovaries.  Also, I know there is a lot of stuff going on down there because I feel all of the pressure.

But what I am experiencing almost every night after dinner is not the normal type of cramps.  I have been getting cramps in my pelvis that are so severe I cannot walk or talk.  I break out in cold sweat, feel like I am going to throw up, pass out, and all of my insides are going to come out.  Every night I feel like I am going into labor and it sucks. I have almost gone to the ER multiple times.  I have called the hospital to ask for advice.  But I am not bleeding (thank goodness) so there is no concern at this point.  Also, the pain is on both sides so they do not believe it's an ectopic pregnancy.  Sadly, I do not have my first appointment until I am 10 weeks.  This seems ssooooooooo far away.  But I'm halfway there I guess.

Daddy R is sweet and makes me tea and asks what else he can do.  Sometimes I have him bring me cold washcloths. The doctors told me to take some medicine for constipation/gas to see if that can help offer some relief.  Unfortunately, the medicine seemed to make it even worse because it gave me diarrhea on top of the cramps.  Not fun people.

Also, sorry if I have lied to you about being pregnant (several people now have asked me directly--J&M, D&P, E, Sister, etc.).  But until I get into the doctor and figure out what is going on I am just going to keep dealing with this privately because it is hard enough for me to wait to find out and it would only be harder if people were asking everyday.  Soon enough I will share this exciting news (I hope)!

The Secret Baby B

This is a blog devoted to the conception, pregnancy, birthing, and parenting process of Baby B.  It will include all of the nitty gritty.  It will not be rated G.  If you don't want to hear it all, don't read it.  I am doing this in honor of all of the wonderful baby blogs I have read over the years, written by women who bared it all to help me be more prepared for this amazing journey.  This blog is very personal so please be kind.

Daddy R and I have been planning to have a family from the moment we got together in 2008.  We thought that 2012 would be the perfect time to start "trying."  On January 1st, 2012 I took my last birth control pill.  We thought it could take years to get pregnant.  I have been on birth control for more than half my life due to irregular periods, so I did not even know if my body knew how to ovulate.  I was also concerned that Daddy R's sperm could have trouble because I read that people who have had radiation treatments (for cancer) might have reproductive issues.

Much to our surprise, one week later, I knew I was pregnant.  I believe I actually know the exact moment conception occurred.  Daddy R told me I was crazy.  But I insisted because I felt VERY pregnant.  In fact, immediately I had almost every symptom in the book: two drops of blood (which I attribute to implantation bleeding) sore boobs that have already grown a size, nipples that felt like they were being carved out with razor blades, bloating, needing to pee constantly, a weird sensation in my stomach (pulling, stretching, heaviness), headaches, leg cramps, insomnia, a weakened immune system (I got sick three times back to back) and an increased sense of smell.  I was also SO hormonal.  The best example of this was when I was shopping at REI with Daddy R, my mom, and sister.  I tried on a pair of boots and fell in love with them.  When I realized I should not buy them because I had already spent a lot of money on new clothes that month I burst into tears.  Under normal conditions, I cry very infrequently and I would NEVER cry over not being able to purchase a material possession.  Let's face it, I was WAY pregnant.  I begged Daddy R to take a pregnancy test with me but he continued to think I had lost my mind.

About a week before I was actually supposed to get my period all of my symptoms went away.  I thought to myself, maybe I was being crazy?  Maybe it was a side-effect from going off birth control after all these years, my hormones must be making me an emotional roller coaster!  When my period did not show up I convinced myself that my body must have forgotten how to have real period after all my years on birth control.

Four days and no period, all my pregnancy symptoms returned.  The only additional one included extreme cramping.  Daddy R finally agreed to take a home pregnancy test with me.  I was doubtful but surprisingly, Daddy R was 110% sure I was pregnant.  Wow, the tables really turned... apparently I convinced him I was pregnant while he simultaneously convinced me I was not pregnant.  The first test came back positive.  We took another one to be sure and it was also positive.  I got lots of hugs and kisses that night.  We never dreamed that we would be so fortunate to get pregnant on our first try.  I am guessing this baby knows what an impatient mother it has.  Or maybe the baby has already inherited my impatient gene.  Either way, we are so so so excited for all that is to come.

This blog is remaining secret for now because we want to share this news once we are a little further along.  I am continuing to experience severe cramping.  I called my midwife (yes, I am having a midwife but the story behind that will be another post) and she was unconcerned because I have no bleeding.  The nurse I talked to before I could talk to the midwife scared the bgoogles out of me.  She stated, "You are ONLY five weeks pregnant and your chance of miscarriage is 25%."  Thank you for that incredibly scary and useless fact.  I am trying to stay positive and limit my stress, eat healthy food, take prenatal vitamins, and get as much exercise as possible.

The other weird part of our journey so far is that I am already showing.  Not just a little, but a lot.  Perhaps this is just bloating.  Perhaps we are having septuplets.  Regardless, I will be wearing baggy clothes.  The other dilemma is that people are asking questions and suspecting every time I turn down a glass of wine or a pint of beer.  Daddy R and I have become very crafty at making up excuses or switching our glass underneath the table.  While I might be eating for two, Daddy R is responsible for drinking for two.    I don't know who drew the short stick on this one.

Here is a picture from the night we found out the good news:

I don't know if you can see in this picture that my belly is protruding the same distance as my boobs (which are also protruding more than normal).   Even thought it looks like I have just "let myself go" that is not the case.  In fact, I have actually lost about 10 pounds in the past two weeks.......really, I have no idea what this all means.